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ONE MORE CHANCE, ONE MORE TIME
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Love is taking one more chance, one more time.

For me it's true - no matter what, if someone comes along who plucks the right heartstrings, I'll take another chance, without even thinking about it.

And it applies to all those equally important but non-romantic loves in your life.

One more chance, one more time, you can't give up.

Regardless of the impression my writing leaves (which is, after all, just a peek through a keyhole), I am a romantic at the root of it all.

I never give up hope, I always believe in possibilities.

A beautiful girl wrote this to me:

"I think you write very beautifully.

You are very romantic, creative, passionate and sensitive.

You love your pain as much as you hate it, which is why you can make everyone feel you when you write.

But you live on your pain I think.

You are using the beauty of your pain as a balm for your ego and insecurities and fears and that to a point.

It gives you the ability to produce beauty... but you could accidentally become lost in it for real at which point you will defeat yourself.

So be careful... be careful."

I think she is right.

I do love my pain as much as I hate it.

And there is a satisfaction, more of a need even, to find beauty in pain and such beauty is a balm to my soul.

But I don't require pain to create.

I think that is where the danger lies, when you can only create through pain, when pain becomes an addiction.

When you must manufacture pain in your life to feed your creativity.

That is not me.

My writing is but a peek through a keyhole.

Its reflection of my life is accurate but far from complete.

I don't live on my pain.

Though I freely admit it could appear as such based strictly upon my entries.

I write to work through my pain.

What you see is a transitory point along the journey, not the destination.

In a sense I write to hear myself talk.

It gives me a sense of perspective.

It allows me to understand where I am creating my own problems.

It enables me to take responsibility for my actions/reactions.

It's a way of remembering and owning the feelings I have, but it's more importantly a way of releasing and letting go of pain, not holding on to it, as it may appear.

Do I live on my pain?

I am quite capable of doing so.

There have been times in my past when I have, when I could not let go of a painful experience, when that painful experience came to define my life and who I was.

When I felt driven to try and explain the experience to everyone I met, feeling that if they didn't understand the experience and why it was so important and painful for me, that they couldn't understand *me*.

But the thing was, I could never explain anything to my satisfaction and thus never felt understood.

I look back on that period with a puzzled disconnection.

I did finally learn to let go of the pain, and now the experience that once defined my life hardly ranks as a footnote.

And there was no dramatic moment of understanding and change.

It took time and distance and forgiveness and forgetfulness and just a general weariness of dragging that baggage around.

So yes, I can identify with the concept of living on my pain and know that I am capable of it.

I won't declare myself immune from the danger, but I can say that's not a place I find myself in right now.

I do, however, find myself caught in a dam of emotions that have been slowly been gathering, and I am writing through them.

Sitting around thinking about them in my head gets me nowhere,

I *HAVE* to write through them.

This is the labyrinth I talk of.

It is a writing meditation of sorts.

There is much I have to explore, and the route from here to there is not a direct or quick or easy one.

I have to start the journey and see where it leads me.

I have to keep exploring.

This is about finding my own answers, my own understanding.

Which is not to say I don't want to hear from others.

If someone is moved enough to say something to me, they can comment on entries by emailing me.

There is so very much rolling around in my mind and heart these days.

So much so, that I don't know where to start.

There is not enough time or of the proper quiet space I need so I find myself silent when I want to be writing or writing in the wee hours when I should be sleeping.

I am processing through something.

I need time and space to do so.

A fact about me:

"There are times when I withdraw, even from those who mean the most to me."

I am constantly beaten upon for this fact.

But I am tired of being made to feel guilty for it - because it is me, and I will not apologize for being me.

If this is unacceptable to others, then I shall have to bear the responsibility and pain for the loss of their friendship, and believe me, nothing could be more painful than the loss of their friendship.

But if I need space and silence, then I shall take space and silence, for I will not heal and grow without it.

Corner me, trap me, prod me, and I will pull further and further back into the corner.

Like a cornered cat I will hiss, I will spit, I will lash out and I will run away and hide.

I need to do things in my own way and in my own time.

Accept me for what I am and respect my needs and we will get along just fine.

Don't accept this fact and I'll tear you to pieces.

Life Is All About Balance.

Darkness can't be without light, and light can't be without darkness. You see everything through different angles to gain perspective over situations. You act rather rational and people can find you stiff and/or emotionless due to this. Life is not really that good to you, yet it's not so bad. Like everything else, you need to balance it in order to find peace.

How Do You See Life?
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Your Cancer Drinking Style

You Are A Comfort Drinker -- And an extra wine with dinner or an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can't it, Cancer darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, you must guard against lushery. You are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties and insinuating yourself on VIP lists. And, in true Hollywood style, you are never really drunk; instead, you get "tired and emotional" (read: weepy when lubricated). But most people agree: there's nothing better than swapping stories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with you. Your sign also rules the flavour vanilla, and you adore anyone who serves up vanilla vodka and soda.

Your Signature Cocktails

Ruled by the moon, Cancers are intrigued by the idea of moonshine. Any booze, from a bourbon press to a whiskey and soda to Grandpappy's special brew in a mason jar, will do. You also like comfortingly warm and sweet drinks, like hot toddies and hot buttered rums. A six-pack of Bud will also do.

Your Celebrity Drinking Buddies

Jessica Simpson, Harrison Ford, Lindsey Lohan, Tom Cruise, Robin Williams, Pamela Anderson, Bill Cosby, George W. Bush, Sylvester Stallone, Princess Diana, Will Ferrell, Lil' Kim, and John Cusack.

Your True Birth Month Is August

Suave, Romantic, Attractive, Sexual, Observant, Loves to joke, Easily jealous, Easily angered, Learns to relax, Loves to dream, Thirsty for praise, Loving and caring, Brave and fearless, Extraordinary spirit, Careful and cautious, Independent thoughts, Angry when provoked, Loves to make friends, Sensitive but not petty, Too generous and egoistic, Takes high pride of oneself, Loves to lead and to be led, Thinks quickly and rationally, Knows how to console others, Poor resistance against illnesses, Firm and has leadership qualities, Talented in the arts, music and self defence

What's Your True Birth Month?