NEWEST
OLDER
CONTACT
DIARYLAND
BACK
TO WEBSITE
**************************
Friday, Sept. 03, 2004 - 2:21 a.m.
**************************
"There are things in this world that make me cry;"
"There are things in my head I dare not touch;"
"There are reasons why I don’t;"
"There are too many questions;"
"There are not enough answers;"
"There are never enough answers;"
"These are just words;"
"They
are here for you..."
Newest 5 Entries:
My Suicide... (Updated) - Sunday, Jun. 17, 2007
I'm Sorry... - Sunday, Apr. 22, 2007
I Give Up... - Monday, Nov. 27, 2006
Questioning My Existence... - Monday, Nov. 20, 2006
Sometimes... - Monday, Nov. 13, 2006
***********************************************************
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
***********************************************************
Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending!
-- Carl Bard
***********************************************************
TOMORROW I’LL FACE THE WORLD A NEW MAN
***********************************************************
Well, it has been one year to the day since a girl I cared for and I went our separate ways permanently. It's been coming up for a while, but over the past week or so I haven't really thought about it and then yesterday I realised that this was it.
I'm not really sure how I feel.
A lot of the time when I'm thinking about how things went between us, I remember things that happened and wish that I had ended it then and there.
I wonder why I put up with being treated so badly for so long ... I guess I'm forgetting the feelings involved. But I do still think about it a lot, my relationship with her, and what was good and what was bad and ... there's regret, but then at times, there isn’t.
I regret not coming to my senses sooner. But then I think about it and realise that I wouldn't have gotten out of the experience what I needed to get. I needed those extra years after we broke up romantically - even though she at times put me through hell - I needed to realise the person that I am and the person she is ... I needed it. Even though it broke my heart. It was well and truly broken before then.
I think a lot about what's happened in the past year since we’ve seen or spoken to each other... the opportunities that I may have had, that I might have passed up, and the reasons for it all. People that have come into my life since then and changed me ... or allowed myself to change. I don't know.
I've enjoyed being relatively single this past year - having that freedom to do what I like when I like without having to answer to anyone but myself.
It's nice to have someone to answer to, but it's even nicer not to have to do it at all. It's nice to be able to flirt with women ... or even more, if it comes to that. I've missed having her around at times, but enjoying it outweighs the loneliness.. mostly.
Sometimes I still like to remember what it was like having her around. I remember times and places and things that happened. I can remember without tears now, and that means a lot to me.
She might as well be dead.
It doesn't hurt to remember what happened this time last year, finding out that I was being lied to and being treated like a fool, where everyone knew what was going on except me. That I wasn’t worth the effort of salvaging our supposedly unbreakable friendship. How devastated I felt with what happened between us.
I lie it does still hurt.
No-one tells you that it hurts this much, even a year later. No-one tells you that no matter what, they'll always be there in your mind. You'll wonder with all the things you do if they would or wouldn't approve, if they'd be surprised or not. I catch myself thinking 'I wonder what she would think of this', or 'she would have liked this shirt'. It's a year later. It shouldn't matter anymore.
Am I wrong? Is this some macabre masochistic side of me long since unrecognised? Is this something that only I am going through? Am I some weird person, putting himself though some kind of one sided depression? I know I'm not the only guy to ever have heart broken and be hurt, not the only one to have trusted so blindly. And I'm not the only to ever have felt this way. But I do feel alone.
I often wonder if she still thinks of me as often as I think of her, which is not so often now as it has been. She told me once that she’d never met anyone quite like me, that I was something special. That she would never forget me. Does she even think about me at all? Even in passing?
Is it just because she was the one girl in my life that I totally trusted and depended on even after we broke up both romantically and as partners. Or did we have something special enough to transcend even that? This silence between us. Does this mean she has forgotten me? I'd like to think that she hasn't. I'd like to think that I meant more to her than that but who knows?
I look back on this time a year ago, and look in the mirror and I see the pain in my eyes. I still feel the loss.
I think I allowed things to happen between us that way more for her than for me. I believe I knew that it was never going to end between us unless I did it - even unwillingly - because I knew that I couldn't give her what she needed. What she wanted.
I know that I didn't want it to be the way it was, but it had to be. I wonder if I'm just clinging to these beliefs because they make me feel better, or if they are actually true. I think I'd know if I was deluding myself. And I think I know, well, knew her well enough to feel her feelings and understand her. As much as anyone could. And I loved her. And I hoped that in some way she loved me.
I wish her nothing but the best. If we run into each other someday fine, no hard feelings, if not, so be it.
1st of January might be 'New Years', but tomorrow is the real start of a new year.
I will cry my final tears for her tonight and tomorrow I'll face the world a new man.