There are so many people in the world.

Every single one of them with a problem.

Every person carrying a conflict that emotionally drains them.

SOMETHING.

Why would I expect to be any different?

But for the first time in my life I really have completely lost myself.

I can’t seem to get back on my feet.

I can’t seem to remember who and how I used to be.

"Who I am is not who I used to be.

But who I am is all of who I used to be.?"

And I want him back.

A lot of people want him back as well.

People have told me I have changed and I know I have.

They ask me why and I lack the words to explain the reasons.

I try to be light-hearted by saying, "I used to say do you know who I am?", now I say "Do you know who I used to be?"

Late last year and throughout this year I have punished myself for things that were not entirely my fault and for events that were not entirely initiated by myself.

I am not saying that I was completely without blame for how things turned out but somehow I ended up taking all the blame on myself and was left deal with it all without help.

I have been abusing both my mind and body with a steady cocktail of alcohol, pills, fights, cigarettes, parties and a stream of random women to numb the feelings of guilt, betrayal, depression and pain that I have been living with.

"Pain.

You just have to ride it out.

You can only hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals.

There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside...but sometimes...it doesn't.

With some wounds, you have to rip off the band-aid, let them breathe and give them time to heal"

To prove the point, as I sit here writing this now, I am finishing a second bottle of bourbon, chain smoking, popping pills to relax and have left another beautiful woman, who means nothing to me and whose name I am having trouble remembering...I think it starts with a B or an R., lying in my bed sleeping after another meaningless intimate encounter.

I am not joking.

"Once a man whore, always a man whore, right?"

Each time I do this I lose more and more respect for myself.

I used to be better than this.

I used to want to be better than this.

This has become an endless spiral, booze, drugs, sex, sleep...night after night, weekend after weekend.

"That's what you do.

When you feel sorry for yourself, you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate women.

It's okay.

I find it charming."

What am I trying to prove by living this way?.....absolutely nothing..

Am I happy?...no.

Not by a long shot.

I haven’t truly smiled or felt happiness in months.

Who is to blame for me feeling this way?....no-one but myself.

That’s the whole point, I don’t blame anyone but myself.

I have let the situation control me which is so unlike me.

It is like I just don't care anymore.

I have slipped back into male pattern badness again so easily and doing it so well that it scares me.

The "bad boy" that has always been within me has reasserted himself and I can't seem to put him back in his prison cell.

Being a "bad boy" has always come so easily to me but I thought I had left those days behind me.

I used to fight it, to become a better person, to be the sort of person that can mean something to somebody but I have always known that deep down I was always so good at being bad.

Since late last year a sentence keeps popping into my head when I try to keep the darkness in check…”Fuck it…why bother, what’s the point!”

"We all go through life like bulls in a china shop.

A chip here, a crack there.

Doing damage to ourselves, to other people.

The problem is trying to control the damage we've done, or that's been done to us.

Sometimes the damage catches us by surprise.

Sometimes we think we can fix the damage."

I look in the mirror and I do not recognize the face staring back.

The light that I have been told which burned so brightly in my eyes has dimmed to almost black and at times I revel in their darkness.

The smile that came so easily has become a distasteful sneer, the joyous laugh has become evil and maniacal and there is a look of disdain on my face to the world and anyone who dares cross my path.

The sense of humour that makes people laugh is now silent and sullen.

I used to say, “I don’t hate anyone”...now through a cigarette smile and gritted teeth I say “I hate you all and the world you live in!”

I am killing myself…slowly but surely…I know I am but I can’t seem to stop.

And I am sure I will not last till my next birthday if I don't stop.

The problem is that I have lost my compass, my bearing, my way home, to show me the way back to the person I used to be.

I have been living in a constant daze because the part that matters just doesn’t care anymore.

Nobody around me knows or even bothers to recognize this but me.

I hide myself from them and the world so well.

And I hate them all for not caring to notice as well.

They look at me and they see the public face, the image, the well-dressed and polished facade I put on to the world, the one that is so self-assured, so untouchable, not knowing or caring what lies beneath the surface.

"We're all damaged, it seems.

Some of us more than others. We carry the damage with us from childhood, then as grown-ups, we give as good as we get.

Ultimately, we all do damage. And then, we set about the business of fixing whatever we can."

All that matters to them is how I make them feel and what I can do for them…a means to an end for their own selfish needs.

If they could just get past my shell they would see what I hate to admit, even to myself as I sit here writing this.

That I have been living with a ghost, a memory, which haunts my every waking moment and through the long lonely nights.

It is a hard truth but I have to admit it, even if it is just here on this page.

I still think I love her even after all this time.

I know I shouldn’t, she walked away from me so easily, replaced me without a second thought, but for some reason I still think I do.

"Too often, the thing you want most is the one thing you can't have.

Desire leaves us heartbroken, it wears us out.

Desire can wreck your life.

But as tough as wanting something can be.

The people who suffer the most, are those who don't know what they want."

I never imagined living the rest of my life without her being a part of it and I did not want to.

Do I expect this realization to change anything between us?

No, why would it?

She has a new life now without me and it's not like she will read these words anyway because she no longer visits this page, she has moved on...happily, without a moment's hesitation...I am a forgotten man in her eyes.

When she left I felt that I was left with nothing, my dreams shattered, the plans we made together...forgotten, my hopes crushed, my soul torn in two and my heart broken...an empty shell of a man.

She knew exactly what she was doing and what exactly to say to break me.

She did it so easily and from my viewpoint on the night, without a moments regret.

I didn't think her leaving would affect me like that...and I hate to admit that as well.

To know that I had her and I let her slip through my fingers and for her not thinking me worthy enough to try to keep us alive is a hard and cold realisation.

“I have never sacrificed someone else’s heart just to make my dreams come true.”

To add insult to injury I was betrayed by the very people who I thought were closest to me but found as soon as I wasn’t around they attacked me and they stabbed me in the back.

I was at my lowest and they brought me down even further than I thought possible.

I truly felt alone and still do.

I can’t/won’t forget or forgive that…ever.

“Does hurting me make you feel better about yourself?
Or does it just come naturally.”

They think that I have forgotten what they did and said but I haven’t and I will never trust or confide in them again even though with some of them I deal with almost on a daily basis.

They not only hurt me but hurt my family and I will never let that go.

I am sick of turning the other cheek and forgiving people, and for what?...so they can hurt me and betray me again…no thanks…not anymore.

I am a trusting and romantic fool no longer.

I have always said that I have never met an ugly person, it's their actions that define them and this situation has proven it to me.

I have always supported my friends and girlfriends and I am there when they need me most and no-one can say otherwise, but when it came to me needing an outstretched hand by the people who I thought cared for me, they were nowhere to be found.

Especially by the one who I needed a kind word from the most.

I did what I was told to do by those closest to her, I walked away, hid myself from her and everybody else, cut myself off from her, made sure she never could possibly see me unless she really wants to, all so I wouldn’t cause her any more hurt and so she could follow her dreams.

In retrospect maybe it was the wrong thing to do but I did anyway because I cared about her and her family so much..

"Her first kiss was my birth, her last kiss was my death and in-between was my life."

The distance between us has grown to the point where there is an chasm of silence that has grown between us.

Neither one of us willing to back down I suppose.

I can't contact her and her pride won't let her contact me other than a quick and short impersonal text message now and again.

I can only draw the conclusion that she really doesn't want or can bother with me in her life anymore.

If she did, I am not that hard to find, she knows where I am and still has my number so I guess she is not troubled by this lack of communication and figures that I and it is no longer worth worrying about.

And let's face it, if she really missed me she would pick up the phone and call me, so I guess that says just how much I was really cared for by her, not even worth a few minutes on a phone to say hello in over six months....I thought maybe I was worth that much to her at least....obviously not it seems.

I can really now only define her as someone I used to know and possibly meant something to what seems a long time ago.

"No matter how hard we try to ignore or deny it, eventually the lies fall away, like it or not.

But here's the truth about the truth.

It hurts.

So we lie."

And that really hurts as well to feel that way about someone I truly treasured.

And I will tell you one more thing that is tough for me to admit....that if she walked back into my life and asked for a second chance than I probably would consider taking her back...and that sucks as well to know that I still miss and care for her that much.

My biggest fear is to see her one day and try to have a nothing conversation with someone who meant so much to me for so long....to be like strangers.

I can't bear to pretend like that.

I never wanted that...maybe she did.

Maybe that was the plan all along when we broke up.

I just don't know what else to think.

“I sometimes feel as if I'm invisible, as if no one can see me at all.”

I suppose I am living a lie.

Outwardly I smile and laugh and tell people, “I’m fine…I’m always fine”, but inside I know I am not.

I still hurt, I still think about her everyday and I am tired of it when I know there is no hope.

I miss so much about her, talking, laughing, touching and just being with her.

Most of all I miss the sound of her smile and it hurts knowing I will never hear or see it again.

Nothing I can say, nothing I can do would ever make a difference, it never did in the first place, she wrote me off so quickly, so why would it now?

"Disappearances happen. 

Pains go phantom. 

Blood stops running and people, people fade away. 

There's more I have to say, so much more, 

but... I have disappeared."

I hardly ever mention her name.

I hardly ever talk about her.

If someone talks about her I walk away.

Why?

Do I hate and resent her?

No, not really.

She did what she believed was best for her at the time.

Why then?

Because it still hurts so bad to even hear her name, to know that she is so self-absorbed to think there is no place in her life for me anymore.

It shouldn’t feel this way…I know…but I still do.

She no longer bothers with, thinks about or even remembers what we supposedly had and I have heard that she’s happy in her new life and her new love, without me to complicate things and I wish her well…truly I do.

“I guess I am just the man nobody bothers to remember.”

She deserves being happy and more, I always wanted that for her and always supported her to follow her dreams because she truly inspired me to follow mine as well.

I remember being happy.

I remember waking up feeling good about the day.

I remember when I had faith.

I remember when I had dreams.

I remember when I had hope.

I remember when I was loved.

“I wish someone would hug me, hold me, help me to forget the pain and fear. Help me to not forget the love."

So many people I know have gone and are going through problems in their relationships and I tell them ‘Don’t give up’, ‘They will come back if they really love you’, “Believe that you will get a second chance to make things right and you will...blah, blah, blah”.

“Relationships don't work the way they do on television and in the movies:

Will they, won't they, and then they finally do and they're happy forever -- gimme a break.

Bottom line...is the couples that are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but, the big difference is, they don't let it take 'em down.

....One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time, if its right and they're real lucky.

One of them will say something….anything to stop the other walking away.”

I have a friend whose marriage broke-up last year after 10 years, and another whose boyfriend just up and left her after 3 years.

I told them lies; to give them hope when I have none for myself.

“What would you do Damien to get someone back that you really loved?”
“I would crawl.”
“You would crawl?”
“Absolutely!”
“You would never crawl for anyone”
“To get that rock of pain out my stomach, I would crawl”
“I would crawl through the wind and rain, on broken glass until there was nothing left just to have the chance to have them back in my life.”

I feel like a hypocrite.

Asking them to believe something that I no longer am able to.

It doesn’t matter that I ended up being right and now both of their partners have come back on bended knee saying that they made a mistake and asking for a second chance after almost a year apart.

I give credit where credit is due and let me say that what they did takes courage, real courage, to admit that they made a mistake and I respect them for swallowing their pride and taking that first step toward reconciliation, even though they made the mistake letting go in the first place.

I am so glad for these couples but at the same time I am so resentful because it causes me almost physical pain because I know it would never happen like that for me….I have never and will never get a chance like that.

It does not matter how much I appreciate, support and love someone, it seems to be never good enough.

No one, especially her, would ever admit that they made a mistake to me, they would rather just live with it and move on even if it was the wrong thing to do.

It seems all around me people have been getting second chances with their love lives while I sit in the darkness, happy that they have the chance but hateful because it’s them and not me.

I never used to be this way.

I used to believe that love would find a way…no matter what.

Sure it stumbles along the way sometimes but if you genuinely loved another person, somehow, somewhere…love would find a way.

I do not believe that now.

Not anymore.

“There is my life now.”
”There is not your life! There is what you do for a living.”
”My mind has to be there, not here. So right now there is my life.”
”So, what am I to you now? What am I? “
”A distraction…”

That part of me was stripped away.

I have no romantic armour to shield me left.

I used to think I was a relatively good significant other in relationships…not perfect but I tried.

I did it all bought flowers, gifts, gave affection, was supportive, appreciative, all the things that you are supposed to do and be in a relationship not because I had to, because I wanted to..

Never tried to be to demanding with spending time with me, hardly ever said no and let them do whatever they wanted within reason.

I would drop everything and come running when needed, communicated, tried to be everything they wanted and was just generally there to let them know they were genuinely loved, respected and appreciated.

All I asked for in return was to know that I was loved the same way as well...maybe that is too much to ask.

Over the years, sure I have not been fortunate in relationships but the last time I thought that it was different, last time it was she not me who promised it would be and she wasn't like the rest, last time it was she not me who promised to stand by me no matter what happened between us and then she left.

I put everything I had left into it and I thought that it was really going to work, that it was strong, pure and worth it all…I was wrong....I was played for a fool.

Whatever I had left of me…I gave to her.

“I saw her. I kissed her. I loved her. I lost her.”

And she discarded it...easily...without regret.

I became disposable to her.

And on that night everything I thought I knew about her and what she was like during our relationship became a lie.

I didn't recognise her.

Instead of being “Mr Right”, I found that I was only ever “Mr Right Now” in her eyes.

I was replaced so quickly so I guess I didn't mean as much to her as I thought.

If this wasn’t the case, she has never bothered to prove me wrong.

And I have been lost ever since.

"You have no idea what I have lost!"

So I have made the executive decision to kill myself tonight.

Because I hate this bastard that I have become.

So I am going to kill him tonight.

And when he is dead, the man I used to be will try to take over and I will try to regain my composure and more importantly – try to regain control of the life I used to love.

I think it will be quite therapeutic.

It is a start anyway…I hope.

No one will miss him.

Below is my suicide note.

“The time has come for me to move on.

I do not come to this decision lightly, however, but now that I am older, I have finally realized that there is a world of difference between living happily ever after and living ever after.

I may seem strong, but I am not, I am just like anyone else.

I can feel pain.

I can die.

I will not be the one to destroy anyone else’s hopes and dreams….Never again.

I am sacrificing myself to save the countless many whose lives I would have made a misery, if I were to live.

It is a noble cause, I figure.

A good reason to die.

I like to think you would agree.

So that is it.

That is me.

Leaving the world to be in a better place.

Please refrain from any type of sorrow.

If you feel like crying, save the tears for someone else who deserves them.

I just got tired of living.

That is all.

Life lost its flavour for me and everything started to look so bland.

It felt so pointless living in a world that has become a mockery.

Everywhere I looked was a reminder of how pointless it all is.

I feel that for me Death will be better than a life of slow suffocation day-by-day in an oppressive world.

Dying now on my own terms by my own choice is a better alternative.

I am just tired of being ethical in a completely unethical world.

I am tired of being told to take the straight path when I am the most crooked person I know.

I no longer want to live in a world where I am afraid to love who I choose to love.

A world where hate has become a basis for living, a place where happiness and reasons to love no longer exist.

I can no longer live to die….I would rather just not live at all.

With Death I am looking for a sounder way of living which is living in your memories.

Remember me with warmth and joy, you all touched my life but it was not enough.

Be glad for me because I am no longer suffering.

Be glad for me I have found complete peace by now.

Live on, and live strong….do it for me.

Let bravery and hope stand across your chest since it missed mine.

Wipe your tears,

I am dead, it is over, and I have no fears.

I love you all.